Because What Goes Up Must Come Down (and Then Back Up Again).
There I was in the middle of a nasty orgy between myself and six other people, when suddenly I felt something round and smooth touch my asshole. Having preciously given everyone at the party permission to do with my body what they pleased, the sensation I felt in that moment weren’t at all unpleasant or unwelcomed. In fact, that was the day that changed my sex life forever. For a while after that point, it was almost impossible for me to reach orgasm without concentrating on my crack. So, what happened to me that day and why is my crotch so traumatized? I’m about to let the cat out of the bag.
You see, that was the day I had my first experience with anal beads. Not only had I never heard of that type of sex toy before in my life but I hadn’t ever had the pleasure of trying one out with any of my partners. Uncertain as to whether that was due to a general unfamiliarity of the product or because of a social stigma which prevented many of my lovers from branching out into anal play, I set my sights on obtaining an education on the matter. In other words, I became obsessed with anal beads and started thinking, “What else have I been missing?” As it turns out, I had been missing a whole lot more than I expected.
Assuming that the best anal playthings consisted solely of your run-of-the-mill dildos, vibrators and/or prostate massagers, I honestly had no idea (up until that point) that there was an entire market of anal beads just waiting for my anus’s attention. Naïvely thinking that the toy from the orgy was a festive fluke that would live in the recesses of my memory forever, I went into sexual shock when I discovered just how wrong I was. Literally, my first online shopping expedition had me feeling like a kid in Candy Land. I just sat there in front of my computer thinking, “You mean I can recreate that sensation from the orgy without having to call the hairy-backed gorilla who introduced me to it?” And just like that that, it felt like my life was finally coming together.
However, having witnessed first-hand the sheer variety that my lusty lover had to sift through in order to bring that toy to the party, I not only developed an instantly greater respect for him but I also received a better understanding of what anal beads are, how they work, and how to pick out the best ones. For example, did you know that there are at least 5 different things you and/or your partner need to know before ever even shopping for anal beads? I’ll list those (and the reasons for them) now:
- Your Skin Type(s) – The type of skin you’re in will play a significant role in the kinds of anal beads you can play with. Check for skin sensitivities and/or allergies to err on the side of caution. If someone has an aversion to a certain material, things could get ugly fast.
- Your Tolerance Level(s) – Today’s best anal beads come in an extremely wide variety of shapes and sizes, with many of them designed solely for the prostate pros. Know what you and/or your partner can stand before spending any money by administering a finger test or by using another kind of sex toy to determine tolerance.
- Your Intention(s) – Having a firm grasp on your intentions will allow you and/or your partner to select the anal beads that perform best in your unique bedroom. However, having no idea about these things can quickly lead you both astray. Remember, sex toy manufacturers spend a lot of money to get yours through clever marketing. Don’t fall for the hype because they know you better than you know yourself.
- Your Expectation(s) – There is no one-size-fits-all anal bead string, so what are you expecting yours to do? The good part about this purchase is that it’s highly customizable to your body type, skin type and sexual appetite (but only if you’re honest about your expectations).
- Your Resource(s) – Knowing how much money you can spend on a new set of anal beads is also important, since the price varies greatly between models. Furthermore, use this time to check out your lube inventory and make sure you have something that’s compatible with anal sex and anal sex toys.
Once you figure all those things out, you’ll officially be more prepared for using anal beads than I was when I entered that first orgy back in the day. I found out the hard way how important it is to come prepared. Still, there’s nothing quite like receiving a pleasurable surprise that instantly changes your life. The thing is: I can’t promise you that your introductory experience will be the same. It’s probably best to do things this way, wouldn’t you agree? But all this homework and preparation seems ridiculous if you don’t even know what I’m talking about. So, what are anal beads and why all the hype around them? Allow me to explain, grasshopper.
What Are Anal Beads?
Just one glance and you’ll be able to see the differences between anal beads and all other sex toys on the modern-day market, including every single butt-play device currently available to us. Unlike anything you’ve ever seen (unless you’ve seen a bunch of anal beads), anal beads are a unique type of marital aid that stimulate the nerve endings and glans in the anal canal. These toys’ overall design is perhaps the most unique feature, although its functionality is relatively innovative as well. Replacing dangerous objects that could become lodged in the anus, anal beads are made specifically to demonstrate the fruitful marriage between safety and sexiness. It’s just too bad Richard Gere and that poor little gerbil didn’t get the memo in time, am I right?
Why Use Anal Beads Though?
It’s important for you and/or your lover to understand the value and purpose of anal beads in order to find the string that works best. Knowing the potential of any product is a key component to fully enjoying it. After all, would you use that new iPhone without playing with its features and settings? I didn’t think so. When it comes to using your sex toys, especially the ones that involve anal play, it’s crucial to get a college-grade education on how it works and why it’s worthy of your attention. Otherwise, you could end up with something that’s way out of your league in all the wrong ways.
Understand that, while anal beads are not a sex toy that’s made for every sexually active soul on the planet, they are good for several things. Below are just the top five:
- Anal Beads Provide Safe Stimulation to the Anus – Forget using whatever is lying around the house to give someone a decent rim job.
- They Offer a Wide Variety of Sensations – It’s like having several anal sex toys in one.
- They Never Require Batteries or a Charge – The only thing that will need a break is you.
- Anal Beads Are Super Easy to Clean and Maintain – Get dirty while being clean with one of the world’s most user-friendly sex toys.
- You Can Wear High-Quality Anal Beads for Hours – BDSM got 4,000 degrees hotter when anal beads were invented.
Might I just add that anal beads are awesome to use during regular intercourse too? Imagine riding a dick and having 2 or 3 silky-smooth balls shoved up your ass, with those balls massaging your p-spot and sending a wave of pleasure through your body with every single thrust. Perhaps the best thing about high-quality anal beads is the fact that they’re so absolutely compatible with other sex toys, not to mention impressively versatile in the bedroom. As one of my favorite sex toys of all times, anal beads make it easy for me to gush (in more ways than one).
The Top # Ways to Tell If Those Anal Beads Are Worth It or Not
Picking out a set of anal beads isn’t always easy, but that doesn’t mean it has to be a pain in the ass. It also doesn’t mean you have to sit here and endure my corny double entendre, but still. The modern market has become flooded with tantalizing options that would make any anal bead newbie jizz in their pants. The thing is, I’m trying to make you better at this than they are. To do so, you’ll need a few guidelines from someone who’s been there. Hi, I’m that someone.
Here are the top 5 things you can look at to immediately determine whether the anal beads in your shopping cart are worth your money or not:
- Sum Up the Size
When it comes to things you plan to shove up your bum, it’s extremely important to check the dimensions. Anal beads come in a wide variety of sizes, ranging from tiny and ticklish to large and in charge. You might also come across some models that feature undulating spheres that start out very small and end up downright enormous. Not only do those types help users more easily customize their experience but they also help the administrator maintain a firm grip on the string when things get hot and heavy. Regardless of what size (or variation thereof) you decide on, however, it’s crucial for you to select something that will fit comfortably in the wearer’s anus throughout the entire duration of playtime.
- Take a Shake at the Shape
Granted, 99.9% of all anal beads in the modern world are shaped like spheres. Still, there’s always an exception to the rule. For instance, did you know that there are some anal beads that come in an oval or egg-like shape? On top of that, some feature special textures which are aimed at maximizing stimulation and pleasure. However, certain models won’t feel as good to certain body types, and some textures can even be painful if the beads are inserted and removed too much. Take time to look at the shape of the anal beads you’re considering and look for a shape that’s suitable to your body type, your intensions and your expectations.
- Look at the Length
Length is incredibly important when it comes to anal beads, especially if you’re the kind of person who likes to insert and remove your beads at high speeds. Long lengths allow you to switch up the veracity with which you pull out the string, giving you and/or your partner more control over the situation without causing any pain or injury. Ample lengths also prevent slippage and provide a more secure grip for the handler (even when their hands and ass are all covered in lube). On the other hand, lengthy anal beads can be difficult to maneuver and hard to bend unless made from an incredibly flexible material. Furthermore, some of the spheres may not even be used during sex because of the wearer’s anal cavity dimensions, and to use the other end would require the handler have to wear rubber gloves, stop and wash, or just take one for the team. See why this is an important factor?
- Mind the Materials
Materials matter, and your high school science teacher isn’t the only one who thinks that. Furthermore, the human anal cavity is a very delicate place that’s full of nerve endings, glands, blood vessels and, unfortunately, bacteria. To get the most bang for your butt buck, make sure to select a material that’s body safe. Some of the unscrupulous manufacturers still use stuff like latex, parabens and phthalates, albeit rather rare in today’s safety-conscious sex toy industry. Either way, stick with materials that work well with you and/or your partner’s skin type, not to mention with your chosen lubrication and/or complementary sex toys. PRO TIP: Stick with the super safe industry-leading materials such as silicone, PVC, TPE, polycarbonate, elastomer, glass or metal.
- Think about the Texture
It’s important to realize that not all anal beads are made out of super smooth materials that are void of all texturization. In fact, some people actually prefer their spheres to feature a little turbulence. And although this is usually a thing that’s reserved only for the anal play pros, newcomers can jump on the bang-wagon too if they know what to look for. Start out with smooth spheres and work your way up for best results, or begin with textured anal beads but use them sparingly to prevent injury, pain or anal desensitization. And no matter what you and/or your lover get yourselves into, always be sure to use plenty of anal lube to avoid a terrible situation.
The Three Kings: My Best Anal Beads In 2020:
Even with the guidelines I just gave you I know that it’s still hard to pick out the perfect string of anal beads. What goes up must come down, so selection is imperative at this juncture. Fortunately, I have no intention of abandoning you now. So, out of all the anal beads in the entire world (considering the fact that, at this point, I’ve probably tried just about all of them), the following three are my hands-down favorites.
BEST OVERALL: The Fun Factory Bendy Beads
This fantastic string of anal beads is the world’s best example of elegance, flexibility and affordability – with the dexterity of an Olympic gymnast and dimensions that are ideal for almost every single ass on the planet. The Bendy Beads are made out of medical-grade silicone, first of all, with an elliptical shape that features gentle ridges that steadily get more and more intense. The smallest bead measures .6 inches while the largest one is a mind-blowing 1.5 inches. The fully waterproof set offers 7 inches of total insertable length and is 1.5 inches at its widest, giving the handler more control over playtime and even offering a convenient finger loop to boot.
Pro: These things come with a free, generous-sized packet of water-based anal lube from the manufacturer.
Con: You don’t get anything to store the toy in when you’re all done, which can be a problem considering the fact that discretion was not discussed during the design process of this toy.
BEST FOR BEGINNERS: The Fun Factory Flexi Felix
Cute but courageous, the Fun Factory Flexi Felix is designed to explore the far reaches of your anal cavity like a spelunker in a deep, dark cave. On the other hand, it’s made to do so gently with its silky-smooth silicone body and whimsical yet functional shape. This bad boy is a butt play beginner’s wet dream, available in two colors (black and pink) and featuring 12.6 inches of quality craftsmanship. There are zero seams, the beads are graduated for better control and customization, plus this kinky kitty has a set of eyes that double as finger loops for safe and satisfying removals. It’s extremely flexible and easy to clean, not to mention it’s made by one of the most reliable sex toy manufacturers on the planet.
Pro: It’s nice and flexible for pinpointing the p-spot on both male and female bodies.
Con: It may not be rigid enough for people who have engaged in lots of ass play or who need intense pressure put on their p-spot.
BEST FOR COUPLES: The B-Vibe Triplet
Appreciated for its beginner-friendly construction and its expert-worthy functionality, this robust string of anal beads features more than just a silky-smooth, bulbous exterior. It has three extremely flexible beads which conduct the vibrations coming from two integrated motors within. The shaft is conveniently tapered for easier insertion and the whole things is covered in skin-safe silicone. Best of all, this couples-savvy sex toy is controlled by a wire remote that works up to 30 feet away for some seriously thrilling hands-free fun plus it features a rechargeable battery that seems to never quit.
Pro: It offers long-distance spontaneity for sexually adventurous couples.
Con: It’s somewhat expensive compared to most other vibrating anal beads.
The End Game
Whether picking out a new car, your next home, a pair of shoes or a string of anal beads, being a consumer isn’t always as glamorous as the marketers try to make it look. Selecting the perfect product is often extremely difficult, and it doesn’t help that there are about a million options to choose from. When it comes to anal beads, however, the most important thing is that all the features come together to offer you and/or your partner a safe and satisfying sexual experience (hopefully more than once). If that takes a 12-inch string of undulating silicone spheres, then so be it. Your asshole has had amazing taste so far. Why not let it be the judge?
I’m Rori. I’m glad you’re here with me on this crazy journey.
Since this is a sex blog, most of the content relates to the men (and women) in my life. I’ve divided my life over the last five years into little “chapters” to help you catch up on the story and the cast of characters involved.